February 12, 2008

This is an ugly day for me. 19 years ago at 5:30 in the morning, I got a phonecall from my stepdad that my mom had died from pancreatic cancer. I was 23 years old. Every year on this day, I am just miserable. I know it has been almost 20 years ago, almost longer than I actually had her around, but it still feels as fresh some days as the moment I picked up that phone. Days when my kids do something and I am proud of them, days when I'm having a crappy day and just want my mommie. So I was actually doing really well that day, I was busy at work and didn't really think about it. My brother and my sister both called me, funny though, we don't realy discuss our mom, we just always seem to touch base with each other that day. So I was in the tub (my favorite thing to do) reading a book and don't you know the MOM DIED IN THE FIRST THREE CHAPTERS. So here I am in the tub, crying my little heart out, feeling oh so sorry for myself and Justin wants me to read him something. I read it and he says "Mommy, why does your voice sound funny?" So I told him I was sad, that today was the day that my mom died and I miss her. He marches out to the living room, and tells my husband, not looking at him mind you, he keeps looking down at the floor "She's in there crying, her mom died and she's sad" and went into his room. It bothered him all night that I was upset. So Robbie, feeling that he should make me feel better made me a card. It had a drawing of my mother's headstone, complete with name, a purple tulip, because tulips are my favorite flower and a cross necklace. Inside it said, Mommy I hope this makes you feel better. Love Robby (because today he is spelling it with a y) It is exactly theses things that make me want to call my mom. There are days when life can be suckey and wonderful all in the same minute.